Diary entry for My Character

Today, experienced bliss on a whole new level. Why can’t a layman understand what it is for a photographer when he sees an ‘image’? Even better, for a filmmaker when he sees a moving image, that he can depict as reality…without any boundaries? That’s what it is like for documentary filmmakers like me. I like to catch reality in its headlights, to catch life when it is unaware. Sometimes I like to purposely provoke it and then surprise it with my camera.
It’s funny when people say they are tired of watching reality on screen. Does that mean that they are tired of living in reality? Or to face it? Even though we get tired of the news coverage that bombards our mind twenty four seven, it’s just an illusion. In reality, you will be stunned to find that there are aspects and plot points that have never been covered before.
Today is my seventh day in Kashmir. Another bomb blast. Another disaster. Another loss. It seems like I’m getting dangerously used to these sounds. The sounds of metal twisting and people bumping into each other, desperately trying to save their own lives. The sound of survival. The moment which you know is going to be your last- what do you do? What do you think? It’s all depicted naturally on your face. The fear, desperation to live and then, a big sigh.
Fortunately in today’s blast, there were no casualties. It was a minor one. It’s a regular thing here. If you are able to live through the day, then it’s considered as an achievement. It’s fruitless to make future plans in this country.
I sit in my hotel room, still dazed by the turn of events. Someone suggested I should get married. That I needed someone to care of me. I scoffed. Then changed the topic. I like to think that I’m married to my passion right now. I’m thirty seven years old, not looking for a life partner. Maybe I’d like a friend, just someone to talk to.
My other colleague suggested that I go on a vacation. “Go to a beach. Relax”, he said. The mere thought of me lying naked on a beach is too ridiculous to entertain. I possibly can not watch people sun bath and swim in the surf. I feel like I’m carrying with me all those who I have met on my journey as a filmmaker. Most of them whom are no longer present in this world.
I want to be in a position, in a place where they all are welcome. I think if I showcase their lives on screen, I’ll do justice to their extraordinary tales of disasters and survivals.
I still wish I knew what my brother was thinking when he flung himself from the balcony on our house. I don’t think I ever will.
For long I’ve been isolated by sadness. Then, I feel overwhelmed with emotions. From my hotel window, I see a group of men sitting around a small old fashioned bon fire, drinking and playing cards. So much laughter, even in the midst of loss. That’s the way it should be- no distance between the living and the dead- their stories are remembered, their spirits embraced. And I feel fortunate to be the one doing it.